Top Chef Thoughts

So, as is the case with most reality television, I'm a bit late getting on the bandwagon for Top Chef. But thanks to Bravo constantly airing the previous season and Top Chef: Masters, we've finally gotten hooked. Well, not hooked as in love-it-can't-miss-it (a la Mad Men or Gossip Girl), more like these-people-are-so-annoying-but-worth-the-fifteen-seconds-of-interesting-culinary-creativity-and-seeing-someone-totally-ripped-by-judges.

Since the guys at Village Voice gave the go-ahead to start bitching about the show, I figured I'd fall in line.

First, like all reality television, there is lots of moving camera work, spliced with talking head moments from the contestants. Pretty much unmodified from The Real World. The scenes are ridiculously over-edited to create any sense of drama or conflict. Cooking within tiny windows of time with restricted amounts of ingredients in unfamiliar settings isn't exciting enough -- you have to get interpersonal up in here, too.

Secondly, though this fake drama is totally a hallmark of the milleu, somehow TC totally doesn't follow up on the other, more watchable, hallmark: all the fake/real/meta drama that happens when all these people are living in a house together. They never show that much house time! I keep thinking -- (a) chefs drink a lot as a profession (and as evidenced in their "vices" quickfire challenge), (b) they are in LAS VEGAS (where anything scandalous can and will occur at every hour of every day), (c) if I did my math right, there are 5 chefs to a room. 5! So it has to at least be a whiskey filled slumber party, if not the very essence of a co-ed dorm. Yet the only shot we had this season was of Ashley and Jenn writing in journals. Boooring. Seriously, America's Next Top Model brings about 195% more drama and it's just girls under that roof. Get out of the pool and go bring home some strippers and illegal drugs! Geez. Can't someone spin a teensy bit out of control for our entertainment?

Third, yeah the on-show marketing sucks, as do the very frequent commercials that allow 15 minutes of real action stretch out for over an hour (PS - why did the show go off at like 11:12 pm last night - are there no rules in television programming? It's not like it was packed to the gills with events). But my biggest ick factor is the fact that Tom and Padma both seem to be down with shilling virtually any corporation they come across in their down time. Doing a show as a chef/judge/competitor/personality is pretty much admitting that you can't hack the kitchen hours and you want to make some bank. Fine, you're allowed. But you gotta be on the show and then the Diet Coke or Pantene commercial following? Don't be greedy, kids. (Ok, Padma gets a pass because I honestly don't know what else she could be doing with her life beyond hair modeling. Watching her ex, Salman Rushdie, hit on every 20 year old at Butter, I guess).

Fourth, Gail. I can't decide. She can be dorkily honest -- plus 1. She doesn't seem to mind being the not-unbelievably-hot-one -- plus 2. She can be kind of panties-in-a-bunch about stuff -- minus 1. And while she's not the obvious "Vanna White" component, she does tend to throw the boobs out unnecessarily, which can undermine her credibility and at the very least isn't fair when all we see of anyone else is the white chef coat -- minus 1. I guess I'm coming out slightly in favor of Gail.

Fifth, the contestants [spoiler alert]: Kevin is going to win. Called it. He's awesome and he's so cool about not trying to talk smack but clearly being super-talented and down to earth. Love him. Jess will self implode because she's committed to failing and cannot get her lady balls together enough to do anything right. There's just too many other massive fails to have her weeded out yet, but obvis she's Donzo Washington. The whole Michael/Brian sibling rivalry is vaguely interesting and I really hope that comes to a head because their relationship is two things: bizz. are. (PS - strange how they haven't seen each --even Christmas?!? -- for like 9 years but then they both got all goopy over lil Sis in the Air Force. Just falling into the patriotic trap that everyone else did?). Jen seems like a huge bia but thinks she clearly deserves the win b/c Eric Ripert hired her. For his Philadelphia restaurant, sweetie. Deflate yourself a bit. Though this episode showed she's capable of being the Big Bad Boss...duh. Ron, oh Ron. You're delightful in a William Hung kind of way. Not exactly operating on all 6 cylinders, are we? Maybe that's the editing, but he's pretty much Mush-mouth, and I have serious doubts that he's processing the strictures of the challenges (clam chowder in the Nevada desert, his vice is that he took a boat from the Dominican?)

Ashley is my second-favorite, especially since she avoided lip service re: military service (and conversely, avoided making it another "gay issue" like marriage was last week). She also avoided totally bitching out Preeti, who deserved it for dumping the asparagus in her gnocchi water. Totally justified to go all Gordon Ramsey on her for that. Robin apparently later tries to cash in the Cancer Ticket, which could be cool. Eli is slightly under the radar but appears to have his stuff. Big ups ATL this season! That Mike guy -- who is SO L.A. I can't even stand it, and is top candidate for the much-needed drug addiction storyline -- is going to be the second guy out after Ron. Boy has way too much confidence and no skillz. Hector will follow closely behind Mike, though he might be a sleeper. Ash is great, love the sass. There is nothing finer than making a disasterous melty ice cream and having some high falutin' chef eat it up as a custard with a nice texture! Ha! Ash even had the decency to smother his laughter after getting lauded. Who's left? Well, doesn't matter. They must be boring.

To finish on a political rant, however, all the people of color have been or shortly will be voted off. Three chicks are gone. Only one girl has ever one in the previous 5 seasons. Kinda still a white man's world huh? And an urbanite's world too, of course. I'm also vaguely irritated that there's no real mention of shopping local, slow food, anything like that. If you want to win you gotta go for the pork belly or foie gras, and smother it in creme fraiche and wine or something. If you can work in the molecular gastronomy stuff that will probably get a win too. So trendy and so unevironmentally conscious. Let's see something sustainable and green for a change (except for all that plastic courtesy of the Glad family of products of course).

If you missed the episode (or others in the future), look for recaps at NY Magazine and Village Voice. I promise no more recaps here.